WHAT IS LOVE???

I do not know that I have ever had credit when credit was due.  I did hear him state, the other day, that I have become more "contemplative."  I am not sure what is expected of me, but that they expected me to go about as normal is just beyond belief.  Humans are stupid creatures.  They think that they can fix things so easily. That they can take my mind off of the events unfolding around me; that spending extra time with me or submersing me in new activities or experiences will make it better.

 

Humans, clearly, are incapable of love.  They do not understand how it is to have spent an entire lifetime with two others, only to have them lost within such a short time.  Humans attempt to find substitutes for love, replacements for love--foolish, foolish creatures.  They either spend their lives hiding from love; destroying love; or denying love.  Don't believe me?  Watch them.  See what you discover.

 

I may have been the only one that called "Big Guy" by his proper name of Sirius.  He told me once that he respected this beyond words and that it made him feel dignified and classy--I may have been young when I entered the fold, but I understand respect for my elders.  And Cinnamon, oh lords.  Where to start?

 

The humans never really understood Cinnamon.  She and I would have long talks late into the night.  She had difficulties sleeping and Sirius had difficulties staying awake.  They may have been soul mates, but there were many nights that she just needed an ear to listen.   Me?  I have always been a bit restless, myself, and sleep was just something that I hoped for during the many hours while waiting for the humans to let us out...

 

Cinnamon was so much more than what they saw.  Her spirit was gentle and loving; she simply had a sense of humor that made shenanigans impossible to pass up and she saw the humans as her captors.  She knew that she had a right to more freedom than they granted her--she was our collective voice.  Sirius was simply too passive.  Me?  Well, what did I know?  Cinnamon told me of the days of freedom; I had never actually tasted them myself.  Can any of us truly understand until we have actually lived through it and experienced it?  No matter how spectacular freedom sounded, I really only had my own experiences to view that world through.

 

But I digress.  The humans.  I have always been viewed as "The Simple One."  Sirius was "The Cuddler" or "Mama's Boy."  Sometimes they went as far as calling him "The Glutton"  (and they wonder why I refuse to partake of their offered food).  Cinnamon was "The Biter."  It was always, "Oh, watch out for her.  Watch she doesn't bite your feet."  Yet, they danced about like stupid targets and then got angry when she bit their feet.  Humans.  Ugh.  Lowest of low.

 

Yes, I am angry.  I am bitter.  My life has changed in a fraction of a second.  Sirius was the first.  It started with him being gone for periods of time and then returning home smelling different and being sore from the tests the humans performed on him.  Soon, Cinnamon was going with him during these journeys.  Eventually she started coming home changed, as well.  They told me about these visits.  Some of them sounded horrible and terrifying.  It made the girl human cry a lot.  The boy human doesn't know about those times--did I mention?  Inferior.  Not capable of love.  They do not know how to connect.  How to bond.  How to live...

 

Me?  Have you ever met a ferret NOT in the here and now?  We live.  We love.  And when our cage mates die?  YES!!! WE NOTICE!!!

 

How can I not grieve for the two that have been my life; my surrogate parents?  Just because Sirius and Cinnamon were bonded, the humans thought that I would be okay.  Here is the really sad part, for humans, these two know a smidgen about ferrets.  They understand that when our mate passes, it is just a matter of time--we give up.  The girl human states that she has seen it time and time again--she even claims that it is why she has never had less than two ferrets since discovering the pattern.

 

Yet here I am.  I lost Sirius three months ago.  It hasn't even been a week yet since Cinnamon left.  I know they think that I have always just been "Happy-Go-Lucky Roo" and now I am "contemplative."  I had never lost anyone.  Of course, I was bouncy and happy--I was living in the human equivalent of Eden.  Contemplative?  My entire world has just shattered in the blink of an eye.  Everything that I thought I knew?  A lie.   Yet the humans act like nothing has changed.

 

Had they even contemplated how the unbonded ferret would feel?  Did they think about me at all?  All they saw was how lost Cinnamon was after Sirius passed.  How broken she was.  I think they did genuinely feel her pain.  I know the girl did.  She cried and talked to Cinnamon relentlessly.  But me?  Where did they leave me?  They are both gone and I am still here. 

 

And the word the humans give it?  "Contemplative."  I loved them both.  They were each other's everything.  I was okay with that.  I had them both.  It was okay being the extra because I always had a place next to them.  I, too, had to watch Cinnamon go downhill after Sirius left.  Watching him leave was hard enough.  But at least Cinnamon and I had each other then.  I could never be her Sirius, I couldn't fill the space, but we found comfort in each other.  Or so I thought.

 

I remember her telling me about the others that had come before, about "Death."   She said that she never really felt it until he left her.  I know that I took it almost as hard as she did, because he was half of my world.  And now she is gone, too.  I didn't expect that.  I thought she would eventually follow me the way that she did him; or that I would follow her; either way...

She didn't love me enough to stay.  Neither of them did.

 

I leave you with the words of a human sage that Sirius taught me about...

 

"How can I go forward when I
don't know which way I'm facing?
How can I go forward when I
don't know which way to turn?
How can I go forward into
something I'm not sure of?

How can I have feeling when I
don't know if it's a feeling?
How can I feel something if I
just don't know how to feel?
How can I have feelings when
my feelings have always been denied?

You know life can be long
and you've got to be strong
and the world is so tough
sometimes I feel I've had enough.

 

How can I give love when I
don't know what it is I'm giving?
How can I give love when I
just don't know how to give?
How can I give love when love
is something I ain't never had?"

~John Lennon~

 

There are a few humans out there that do (or did) get it.  I can't think of any other words that better describe where I am right now...

 

 ~Broken and Not Sure That I Can Bounce Back~